Going paperless

Whoever first described a good fit as “fitting like a glove” must have had one awesome pair of gloves. In my experience even a good-fitting glove takes some time to break in, just like a good pair of jeans. One of my favorite pairs of gloves are at least seven years old and I still feel like a robot when attempting tasks requiring fine motor skills while wearing them. They’re fine for semi-dexterous acts like poking at the turn signal switch, or buckling up a saddlebag, but if we up the ante to buckling a helmet strap, the gloves are going to need to come off.

Combine the restrictive nature of gloves with my total lack of zipper fundamentals and the scene is set for chaos. I’m sure there are some basic rules of zipper function, but aside from my pants and a jacket (up is closed, down is open), I don’t know what they are without looking. Let’s take my old motorcycle jacket—one that I’ve worn for over 20 years. I can never remember if the breast pocket is open or closed when the zipper fob is toward the center. Same with the regular pockets. You’d think I’d catch on after 20 years, but I haven’t.

Right now, you may either be thinking (in your best nagging voice), “Everyone knows that toward the center is closed and toward the outside is open” or, “I can never remember that either.”

Riding on a toll road has always brought out the worst of the glove/zipper deficiencies in me, as it was my habit to store my toll ticket in the breast pocket of my jacket. It was nice and safe up there and fairly easy to get to when approaching the toll booth. I kept toll money just as easy to get to in my tank bib pouch. The pay-at-the-toll booth drill usually took the form of: 1) Remove right glove with teeth upon approach and store said glove under my butt for safe keeping. 2) Fiddle with breast pocket zipper until it opens, then pull out toll ticket and store in teeth until needed. 3) Get appropriate denomination of currency out of tank bib. 4) Pay the attendant and reverse the process when I’m moving again so other motorists aren’t cussing me out at the booth for taking too much time to pay. I’m quick to judge others who violate the imaginary 15-second clock at toll booths and don’t want to be lumped in with them.

All of that changed when I discovered the greatest boon to motorcycle travel on the toll road since the development of pavement, the E-Z Pass. I’m not quick to embrace new technology and E-Z Pass isn’t new by most people’s standards, but since it seems that breakerless ignition, cell phones and computers are here to stay, I figured I’d give the E-Z Pass a shot. I’m happy to say I have not only accepted it, but I embrace it. E-Z Pass is a plastic wonder that allows for electronic toll collection in many states throughout the Northeast. You buy the device at the grocery store, sign up online and link it to your credit card for perpetual funds. Then you just slap it on the windshield of your car or bike and get rock star, no-waiting treatment at the toll plaza. There are special E-Z Pass lanes where everyone who flashes the special sign drives right on through. No stopping, no waiting on the directionally—or change-challenged. It’s to toll roads what first class is to air travel. But its biggest benefit on a motorcycle is that it’s paperless! That means no more holding tickets in your teeth and sitting on your gloves—at least not because of toll road tickets.

I have to admit—EZ Pass isn’t the greatest looking accessory for your bike, truck or car, but it sure does work well. The only real downside I can find, aside from the austere look, is that you really need to take it with you or lock it up when you aren’t riding, to keep ne’er-do-wells from pilfering it and going on a toll-road spending spree.

If those you ride with have it too, it will also mean the end of a good laugh on the occasion that their toll ticket flutters into the wind when approaching the booth.

Otherwise, it’ll make you feel even more like the King of the Highway than you already do